TV Review: Don't Be Shy, 'The Vampire Diaries' Has No Fangs

Vampire Diaries made its debut on the CW tonight without much bite. While I'm not familiar with the series of books the show is based on, I have seen all seven seasons of Buffy (multiple times), read the Twilight series and seen the movie (again, multiple times) and am waiting on pins and needles for the second season finale of True Blood on Sunday. I know vampires. I know they're hot right now. And it would seem that Vampire Diaries’ lifeless (in a bad way) pilot is the CW's attempt to cash in on the bloody cow. Or something like that. (I like malapropisms! And parenthetical thoughts!!)

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Nina Dobrev, another Degrassi alumnus to get a break in Hollywood and star in her own show on the CW (You hear that, Cassie Steele?! You let TWO girls cut in front of you!!), plays Elena, a high school girl struggling with the loss of her parents. Surely, whoever employed Nina as the lead in this show has reviewed her work on Degrassi? Apparently, they overlooked her limited talent. In Vampire Diaries, that oversight is glaring; she plays Elena completely flat and her awkwardness in the scenes with lead vampire, Stefan, is cringe inspiring. I mean, I know her parents just died a few months ago, but damn, nothing brings you back to life like bumping into a smolderingly hot vampire in the hallway. Act like you know, girl.

"Dobrev plays Elena awkwardly and completely flat…kinda like the way she played Mia on Degrassi."

Stefan, played by Paul Wesley, is perfect. The square jaw, the piercing eyes, the cute butt. He is exactly how I imagined Edward Cullen to be while reading the Twilight series. Robert Pattinson added in his own dorkiness, but it added to the charm and ended up working. Paul, however, has classic vampire down. Stefan starts off the episode saying, "I have to know her," 'her' denoting Elena, and I spent the first half hour wondering why in the hell anyone, dead or alive, would want to get to know her. It definitely isn’t her personality!

Lastly, there is Damon, the evil vampire played by Ian Somerhalder. Firstly, just to get it out of the way: Ian needs a haircut. Besides that, he’s pretty generic. While his brother, Stefan, has decided to live amongst people and live off the blood of animals, Damon, clearly a voluptuary, has not. And of course, he has this nasty grudge against his dear brother and likes to see him suffer. Not only was the pilot a solid hour of "meet the characters," but also the plot of episodes to come seem easily predictable, especially with the show’s similarities to the other popular vampire stories of the moment. I think the only way they’ll get viewers to stick around is if everyone is really hot and there’s vampire sex.

"The only way viewers will stick around is if there’s lots and lots of vampire sex."

Well, it’s the CW -- so yeah, everyone’s really hot. Elena’s psychic best friend, her acquaintances, her ex-boyfriend (dear god), her ex-boyfriend’s sister, and even her little brother are all insanely attractive. Clearly, I need to move to Mystic Falls. The vampire sex thing remains to be seen. But they’ll do the right thing if they’re smart. As it’s only the pilot, I’ll be giving the Vampire Diaries another shot to surprise me next week. There better be less clothing.

Rating:5/10

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